Posted by: Ety W. | March 4, 2008

My Testimony 5: The Search Begins

This is part 5 of “My Testimony”. If you want to start at the beginning, click here.

Searching for the land was still very important to me, but my search for God gradually began to overshadow my interest in the other. The land and lifestyle became a means to an end. Finding God was the true end I was seeking.

By the time we’d gotten to the Ozarks, our group of twelve had dwindled down to about eight who were still able and willing to pursue this venture. We were all in agreement about the lifestyle we wanted to live, so it was just a matter of finding the right place. Our desire was to do everything by hand and live off the land. We would use no modern machinery and have no electricity. Whatever we couldn’t grow, do, or make for ourselves, we didn’t need.

While the others began a serious search for land, I began a serious search for God. The basis for my search was two pieces of information, about which I had absolute conviction. The first was that God was The Creator. The second was that God had intelligence and could therefore be communicated with. I’m not sure where these came from, or how I knew them to be true, but these two beliefs were unshakable and became the framework for my seeking.

In the beginning, I started seeking in what seemed to me to be obvious places. Having once been a philosophy major, I started with books. The New Age movement was in its dawn, so I read what I could on eastern mysticism, zen, Hinduism, Buddhism, the Kabbalah, the occult, and Native American beliefs. I also had a Bible and regularly read the Psalms, but it didn’t occur to me to study the Bible any further than that. After all, I had been raised in a church and hadn’t found God yet, so obviously that wasn’t the answer.

In addition to reading, I tried to put some things into practice. I learned astrology, practiced transcendental meditation, and regularly consulted the I Ching. I took the mystical approach to drugs too, and used marijuana, LSD, psilocybin, and peyote in an attempt to look for God. I actually expected a physical manifestation, and was continually disappointed when that didn’t happen.

The longer I searched however, the more frustrated I became. All the things I read and did seemed to point at hints of Truth, but nothing actually had the answer to the question which had become my obsession, “How do I find God?” This question was the last thing on my mind at night, and the first thing I though of when I woke up in the morning. But the harder I searched, the more elusive God seemed to become. It was as though I was trying to look through an out-of-focus lens, and nothing I was doing helped bring it into focus.

Content copyright 2008 by If you find it anywhere else, it’s been stolen.

Click here for part 6.

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